我是一個男人

The man behind the desk said: “I’m a fool, I know, but my first offer stands.

桌子後面的人說：「我知道我是個傻瓜，可是我第一次的出價還算數。

I still offer one thousand.

我還是出一千。

What are you doing?” he asked, as Kino thrust the pearl out of sight.

你在幹什麼？」他問，因為奇諾把珍珠塞得看不見了。

“I am cheated,” Kino cried fiercely.

「我被騙了！」奇諾兇狠地大喊。

“My pearl is not for sale here.

「我的珍珠不在這裡賣。

I will go, perhaps even to the capital.”

我要走，也許甚至去首都。」

Now the dealers glanced quickly at one another.

這下珠商們很快地互看了一眼。

They knew they had played too hard; they knew they would be disciplined for their failure, and the man at the desk said quickly: “I might go to fifteen hundred.”

他們知道自己演得太過火了；他們知道自己會因為這次失敗受罰，桌子後面的人很快地說：「我也許可以出到一千五。」

But Kino was pushing his way through the crowd.

可是奇諾已經在人群中往外擠。

The hum of talk came to him dimly, his rage blood pounded in his ears, and he burst through and strode away.

嗡嗡的談話聲模模糊糊地傳到他耳邊，憤怒的血液在他耳中轟響，他衝出人群，大步走開。

Juana followed, trotting after him.

胡安娜小跑步跟在後面。

When the evening came, the neighbours in the brush houses sat eating their corn-cakes and beans, and they discussed the great theme of the morning.

傍晚，樹枝屋裡的鄰居們坐著吃玉米餅和豆子，討論著早上那件大事。

They did not know, it seemed a fine pearl to them, but they had never seen such a pearl before, and surely the dealers knew more about the value of pearls than they.

他們也不知道；在他們看來那是一顆好珍珠，可是他們從來沒見過這樣的珍珠，而珠商對珍珠的價值當然比他們懂。

“And mark this,” they said.

「而且你們注意，」他們說。

“Those dealers did not discuss these things.

「那幾個珠商事先沒有商量過這些事。

Each of the three knew the pearl was valueless.”

三個人每一個都知道那顆珍珠不值錢。」

“But suppose they had arranged it before?”

「可是假如他們事先串通好了呢？」

“If that is so, then all of us have been cheated all of our lives.”

「如果是那樣，那我們所有人這輩子都一直在被騙。」

Perhaps, some argued, perhaps it would have been better if Kino took the one thousand five hundred pesos.

有些人爭論說，也許奇諾收下一千五百披索會比較好。

That is a great deal of money, more than he has ever seen.

那是一大筆錢，比他這輩子見過的都多。

Maybe Kino is being a pig-headed fool.

也許奇諾是個頑固的笨蛋。

Suppose he should really go to the capital and find no buyer for his pearl.

假如他真的去了首都，卻找不到人買他的珍珠。

He would never live that down.

那他一輩子都抬不起頭來。

And now, said other fearful ones, now that he had defied them, those buyers will not want to deal with him at all.

另一些膽小的人說，現在他已經違抗了他們，那些珠商根本不會想跟他打交道了。

Maybe Kino has cut off his own head and destroyed himself.

也許奇諾已經砍了自己的頭，毀了自己。

And others said, Kino is a brave man, and a fierce man; he is right.

還有人說，奇諾是個勇敢的人、一個剛烈的人；他是對的。

From his courage we may all profit.

我們都可能因為他的勇氣而得利。

These were proud of Kino.

這些人以奇諾為傲。

In his house Kino squatted on his sleeping-mat, brooding.

奇諾在屋裡蹲在睡蓆上，悶悶地沉思。

He had buried his pearl under a stone of the fire hole in his house, and he stared at the woven tules of his sleeping-mat until the crossed design danced in his head.

他已經把珍珠埋在屋裡火坑的一塊石頭底下，他盯著睡蓆上編織的蘆葦，直到那交錯的花紋在他腦中跳動起來。

He had lost one world and had not gained another.

他失去了一個世界，卻還沒有得到另一個。

And Kino was afraid.

奇諾很害怕。

Never in his life had he been far from home.

他這輩子從來沒有離家遠過。

He was afraid of strangers and of strange places.

他害怕陌生人，害怕陌生的地方。

He was terrified of that monster of strangeness they called the capital.

他非常恐懼那個被叫做首都的陌生怪物。

It lay over the water and through the mountains, over a thousand miles, and every strange terrible mile was frightening.

它在海的那一邊，穿過重重山脈，一千多英里遠，每一英里陌生而可怕的路都令人害怕。

But Kino had lost his old world and he must clamber on to a new one.

可是奇諾已經失去了他的舊世界，他必須爬上一個新的世界。

For his dream of the future was real and never to be destroyed, and he had said “I will go”, and that made a real thing too.

因為他對未來的夢是真實的，永遠不會被摧毀，而且他已經說了「我要去」，這句話也成了真實。

To determine to go and to say it was to be halfway there.

下定決心要去，並且說出口，就等於已經走了一半。

Juana watched him while he buried his pearl, and she watched him while she cleaned Coyotito and nursed him, and Juana made the corncakes for supper.

他埋珍珠的時候胡安娜看著他，她替柯尤提托擦洗、餵奶的時候也看著他，然後胡安娜做了晚餐的玉米餅。

Juan Tomás came in and squatted down beside Kino and remained silent for a long time, until at last Kino demanded: “What else could I do?

胡安．托馬斯走進來，蹲在奇諾身邊，沉默了很久，直到奇諾終於質問：「我還能怎麼辦？

They are cheats.”

他們是騙子。」

Juan Tomás nodded gravely.

胡安．托馬斯嚴肅地點點頭。

He was the elder, and Kino looked to him for wisdom.

他是兄長，奇諾向他尋求智慧。

“It is hard to know,” he said.

「很難說。」他說。

“We do know that we are cheated from birth to the overcharge on our coffins.

「我們知道，我們從出生到棺材被多收的錢，一直都被騙。

But we survive.

可是我們活下來了。

You have defied not the pearl buyers, but the whole structure, the whole way of life, and I am afraid for you.”

你違抗的不是珠商，而是整個體制、整個生活方式，我替你擔心。」

“What have I to fear but starvation?” Kino asked.

「除了餓死，我還有什麼好怕的？」奇諾問。

But Juan Tomás shook his head slowly.

可是胡安．托馬斯慢慢搖頭。

“That we must all fear.

「那是我們每個人都怕的。

But suppose you are correct—suppose your pearl is of great value—do you think then the game is over?”

可是假如你是對的——假如你的珍珠真的很值錢——你以為這場遊戲就結束了嗎？」

“What do you mean?”

「你是什麼意思？」

“I don’t know,” said Juan Tomás, “but I am afraid for you.

「我不知道，」胡安．托馬斯說，「可是我替你擔心。

It is new ground you are walking on, you do not know the way.”

你走的是一塊新的土地，你不認得路。」

“I will go. I will go soon,” said Kino.

「我要去。我很快就要去。」奇諾說。

“Yes,” Juan Tomás agreed.

「對。」胡安．托馬斯同意。

“That you must do.

「你一定得這樣做。

But I wonder if you will find it any different in the capital.

可是我懷疑你到了首都會不會發現有什麼不同。

Here, you have friends and me, your brother.

在這裡，你有朋友，還有我，你的哥哥。

There, you will have no one.”

在那裡，你誰都沒有。」

“What can I do?” Kino cried.

「我能怎麼辦？」奇諾大喊。

“Some deep outrage is here.

「這裡有某種深沉的不公。

My son must have a chance.

我的兒子一定要有一個機會。

That is what they are striking at.

他們打擊的就是這個。

My friends will protect me.”

我的朋友們會保護我。」

“Only so long as they are not in danger or discomfort from it,” said Juan Tomás.

「只要他們自己不會因此遇到危險或不便。」胡安．托馬斯說。

He arose, saying: “Go with God.”

他站起來，說：「願上帝與你同行。」

And Kino said: “Go with God,” and did not even look up, for the words had a strange chill in them.

奇諾說：「願上帝與你同行。」連頭都沒抬，因為這句話帶著一股奇怪的寒意。

Long after Juan Tomás had gone Kino sat brooding on his sleeping-mat.

胡安．托馬斯走了很久以後，奇諾還坐在睡蓆上悶悶地沉思。

A lethargy had settled on him, and a little grey hopelessness.

一股倦怠籠罩了他，還有一點灰濛濛的絕望。

Every road seemed blocked against him.

每一條路似乎都被堵住了。

In his head he heard only the dark music of the enemy.

他腦中只聽得見敵人陰暗的音樂。

His senses were burningly alive, but his mind went back to the deep participation with all things, the gift he had from his people.

他的感官熾熱地清醒著，可是他的心思回到了與萬物深深相融的狀態——那是他的族人給他的天賦。

He heard every little sound of the gathering night, the sleepy complaint of settling birds, the love agony of cats, the strike and withdrawal of little waves on the beach, and the simple hiss of distance.

他聽見漸濃的夜裡每一個小小的聲音：歸巢的鳥睏倦的抱怨，貓求偶時痛苦的叫聲，小浪拍上沙灘又退去，還有遠方單純的嘶嘶聲。

And he could smell the sharp odour of exposed kelp from the receding tide.

他聞得到退潮後露出來的海帶那股刺鼻的氣味。

The little flare of the twig fire made the design on his sleeping-mat jump before his entranced eyes.

細枝燒出的小火光，讓睡蓆上的花紋在他恍惚的眼前跳動。

Juana watched him with worry, but she knew him and she knew she could help him best by being silent and by being near.

胡安娜擔憂地看著他，可是她了解他，她知道沉默地待在他身邊，就是對他最好的幫助。

And as though she too could hear the Song of Evil, she fought it, singing softly the melody of the family, of the safety and warmth and wholeness of the family.

彷彿她也聽得見惡之歌，她跟它對抗，輕輕唱著家的旋律，唱著家的安全、溫暖和完整。

She held Coyotito in her arms and sang the song to him, to keep the evil out, and her voice was brave against the threat of the dark music.

她把柯尤提托抱在懷裡，對他唱這首歌，要把邪惡擋在外面，她的歌聲勇敢地對抗著那陰暗音樂的威脅。

Kino did not move nor ask for his supper.

奇諾一動不動，也沒要晚飯吃。

She knew he would ask when he wanted it.

她知道他想吃的時候會開口。

His eyes were entranced, and he could sense the wary, watchful evil outside the brush house; he could feel the dark creeping things waiting for him to go out into the night.

他的眼神恍惚，他感覺得到樹枝屋外那個小心翼翼、虎視眈眈的邪惡；他感覺得到那些黑暗中爬行的東西，正在等他走進夜裡。

It was shadowy and dreadful, and yet it called to him and threatened him and challenged him.

它陰暗而可怕，卻又在呼喚他、威脅他、挑戰他。

His right hand went into his shirt and felt his knife; his eyes were wide; he stood up and walked to the doorway.

他的右手伸進襯衫摸到了刀；他的眼睛睜得大大的；他站起來，走到門口。

Juana willed to stop him; she raised her hand to stop him, and her mouth opened with terror.

胡安娜想阻止他；她舉起手想攔住他，恐懼讓她張開了嘴。

For a long moment Kino looked out into the darkness and then he stepped outside.

奇諾望著黑暗看了很久，然後走了出去。

Juana heard the little rush, the grunting struggle, the blow.

胡安娜聽見一陣輕輕的衝撞聲、悶哼的扭打聲、一記重擊。

She froze with terror for a moment, and then her lips drew back from her teeth like a cat’s lips.

她嚇得僵住了一下，接著她的嘴唇像貓一樣往後咧開，露出牙齒。

She set Coyotito down on the ground.

她把柯尤提托放在地上。

She seized a stone from the fireplace and rushed outside, but it was over by then.

她從火爐邊抓起一塊石頭衝出去，可是一切已經結束了。

Kino lay on the ground, struggling to rise, and there was no one near him.

奇諾躺在地上，掙扎著要站起來，他身邊一個人也沒有。

Only the shadows and the strike and rush of waves and the hiss of distance.

只有陰影，海浪的拍擊與奔湧，和遠方的嘶嘶聲。

But the evil was all about, hidden behind the brush fence, crouched beside the house in the shadow, hovering in the air.

可是邪惡無所不在，藏在樹枝圍籬後面，蹲在屋旁的陰影裡，懸浮在空氣中。

Juana dropped her stone, and she put her arms around Kino and helped him to his feet and supported him into the house.

胡安娜丟下石頭，抱住奇諾，扶他站起來，攙著他走進屋裡。

Blood oozed down from his scalp and there was a long deep cut in his cheek from ear to chin, a deep, bleeding slash.

血從他的頭皮滲流下來，他的臉頰從耳朵到下巴有一道又長又深的傷口，一道深深的、流著血的刀痕。

And Kino was only half conscious.

奇諾只剩一半的意識。

He shook his head from side to side.

他左右搖著頭。

His shirt was torn open and his clothes half pulled off.

他的襯衫被撕開，衣服被扯掉了一半。

Juana sat him down on his sleeping-mat and she wiped the thickening blood from his face with her skirt.

胡安娜讓他坐在睡蓆上，用自己的裙子擦去他臉上漸漸凝稠的血。

She brought him pulque to drink in a little pitcher, and still he shook his head to clear out the darkness.

她用小壺端普逵酒給他喝，他還在搖頭，想把黑暗甩出去。

“Who?” Juana asked.

「是誰？」胡安娜問。

“I don’t know,” Kino said.

「我不知道。」奇諾說。

“I didn’t see.”

「我沒看到。」

Now Juana brought her clay pot of water and she washed the cut on his face while he stared dazed ahead of him.

胡安娜端來她的陶水壺，替他清洗臉上的傷口，他則恍恍惚惚地盯著前方。

“Kino, my husband,” she cried, and his eyes stared past her.

「奇諾，我的丈夫。」她哭喊，他的眼睛卻越過她看向遠處。

“Kino, can you hear me?”

「奇諾，你聽得見我嗎？」

“I hear you,” he said dully.

「我聽得見。」他木然地說。

“Kino, this pearl is evil.

「奇諾，這珍珠是邪惡的。

Let us destroy it before it destroys us.

在它毀掉我們之前，我們先毀了它。

Let us crush it between two stones.

我們用兩塊石頭把它壓碎。

Let us—let us throw it back in the sea where it belongs.

我們——我們把它丟回它該在的海裡。

Kino, it is evil, it is evil!”

奇諾，它是邪惡的，它是邪惡的！」

And as she spoke the light came back in Kino’s eyes so that they glowed fiercely and his muscles hardened and his will hardened.

她說話的時候，光又回到了奇諾的眼睛裡，讓它們兇猛地發亮，他的肌肉繃硬了，他的意志也變硬了。

“No,” he said.

「不。」他說。

“I will fight this thing.

「我要跟這東西戰鬥。

I will win over it.

我會戰勝它。

We will have our chance.”

我們會得到我們的機會。」

His fist pounded the sleeping-mat.

他的拳頭捶著睡蓆。

“No one shall take our good fortune from us,” he said.

「誰都不能把我們的好運奪走。」他說。

His eyes softened then and he raised a gentle hand to Juana’s shoulder.

接著他的眼神柔和下來，溫柔地把手放到胡安娜肩上。

“Believe me,” he said.

「相信我。」他說。

“I am a man.”

「我是一個男人。」

And his face grew crafty.

他的臉上浮現狡黠的神情。

“In the morning we will take our canoe and we will go over the sea and over the mountains to the capital, you and I.

「早上我們就划獨木舟，越過海、越過山，到首都去，你跟我。

We will not be cheated.

我們不會被騙。

I am a man.”

我是一個男人。」

“Kino,” she said huskily, “I am afraid.

「奇諾，」她沙啞地說，「我好怕。

A man can be killed.

一個男人是會被殺的。

Let us throw the pearl back into the sea.”

我們把珍珠丟回海裡吧。」

“Hush,” he said fiercely.

「別說了。」他兇狠地說。

“I am a man. Hush.”

「我是一個男人。別說了。」

And she was silent, for his voice was command.

她沉默了，因為他的聲音是命令。

“Let us sleep a little,” he said.

「我們睡一下吧。」他說。

“In the first light we will start.

「天一亮我們就出發。

You are not afraid to go with me?”

你不怕跟我去吧？」

“No, my husband.”

「不怕，我的丈夫。」

His eyes were soft and warm on her then, his hand touched her cheek.

這時他看著她的眼神溫柔而溫暖，他的手撫摸著她的臉頰。

“Let us sleep a little,” he said.

「我們睡一下吧。」他說。